Day #253: Kameelputs, SA: Sown with Faith

I have work to accomplish but absolutely no motivation. It's a damn shame, I tell you. Who cares? Life is incredibly too short and I deserve lazy days. It's cold out there, but I am grateful for the opportunity to wear pajamas all day. Nothing like a chilled Sunday afternoon to really make someone dread Monday.

A storm woke me up last night. Reminded me of Dale's presence during the last one, how we slept by candlelight as everything poured outside without mercy. Even at that early hour last night my heart felt heavy with his absence. Surely, this must be love. I can think of no other explanation.

I want to sleep now (at 6pm), but it's only because of this time that I can never get back, of all the moments long past never to come again. It will all work out. I declare it with faith. It cannot justly be any other way. God knows that and can attest to this truth.

I will reap what I have sown with faith.

Day #252: Kameelputs, SA: Borderline Unstable

It truly amazes me how drastically my mood and attitude can change from one day to the next, much less in one day or one hour. It's just insane.

I have only God and myself to rely on here. Everyone else seems borderline unstable, if not definitely emotionally unavailable. HA-listen to me chatter on like the mentally sound. Ironic.

The wind is blowing crazy outside but I feel safe and comforted here, in this small space of mine. Wish Dale was lying next to me now. I am so grateful to finally see the light-of his face, his love, our future-you name it and I'm blessed by it. God is so great. Life is so sweet. I just can't seem to say enough about either.

I got such goodies today. Makes me wonder why I didn't feel that love when I was home. It always comes when I require it. It's the best thing about love and friendship and all things good and real and honest-they always surface when we need them most. How marvelous!

Traleathea is hiding from me and I don't care. I just can't keep doing this. I'm not doing her any favors by babying her. She'll let me know when she's ready. I mustn't push or pull her any way.

I feel guilty about Katy, another PCV. Her heart is good, but her intentions are all wrong. I hope she is not alone on the holidays, that it all works out that we can be together. I ask God for the grace to handle the situation Christian-like, despite all opposition.

Day #251: Kameelputs, SA: The Dancing Flame

I am bored to tears. I should find something to be productive about, but I am lacking the energy to be active. What a pleasantly cool day. I should be happier, more hopeful for this life. Instead, I'm pushing the years ahead-a bad idea, I assure you. This is an uncertain moment. I'm pulling myself through it, to see the beauty of solitude and grace in falling my own dreams on my own accord.

I have an amazing, not to mention handsome and talented and compassionate (I could go on and go!) man at home, waiting for me. Imagine that. Imagine not being second best or overlooked altogether. Imagine someone great wanting me. I am so blessed.

The smoke is dancing from the flame. I am lonely for my only love. No one man has filled this space in my heart as he does. He does it perfectly. Being in love is such an awesome experience, but it brings me insecurity and a desperate nervousness I've never felt before. I just want him near...and he is so very far away. I am so afraid that I'll lose him, that he'll change his heart once he sees things as they are.

I am getting mail tomorrow and hope it makes me remember love. I feel so alone now. I just really need Jesus. It's going to get better. Everyone knows that. Satan is taking this golden opportunity to attack my withering spirit. God is holding me up with both hands. I need only to fall into Him, let Him catch me this round. I must surrender to His love, let it captivate and surround me. What do I fear and why?

Day #250: Kameelputs, SA: Memories Persist

Start of Peace Corps Journal #2...

I'm so freakin'sleepy. This sun really beats me up. The wind is even hot. If someone would have told me I'd judge the temperature of the outside world by the heat from my tin roof, I would have never believed it. Yet here I am, my hand on the hot tin.

I am sometimes sick of this chapter. I want to be closer to the people I love. I want to make a difference that I can touch with my two able hands, with my whole heart. Oh, I live this life the best way I know how. It's not always the right way, but I do what I can with what I have. Don't we all? I prefer to think so.

A goat is at my doorway. Only in South Africa, I tell you.

I can't think today. Or rather I'm thinking too much. Either way can't be good. I'm signing off. I just need Jesus.

Random Memories...
Dale and I on his last day. We slept on the grass, our bodies entwined. I could hear his pulse. I miss that man!

Dale sat on the steps of that tuck shop in Mammutla and ate oranges and drank Fanta. He leaned against a post and smiled often. I couldn't take my eyes off him.

We ate tomatoes as the kids stared with empty wheelbarrows and curious faces. Our faces were to the sun. Our chins were dripping with tomato juice. A storm was shifting in. Nothing else mattered but the moment at hand.

Day #238: Kameelputs, SA: Nothing More

Give me peace, Lord, that I may be strong and of good courage and faith. My baby is leaving in ten minutes and my heart is broken into pieces. Walk with me, Jesus.

I am so very blessed. Everything I need is right here. I ask for nothing more. What a perfect day. Sigh.

Day #236: Kameelputs, SA: All Over Again!

Because the man won't leave me alone until I write a few of these:
* cheese egg omelettes
* "Welcome Mapaseka and her husband!"
* Kamogelo and Bugs playing with Dale's hair
* waking up next to each other!
* knowing the other one is there--nothing beats it!
* late night laundry panic
* Dale's run-in with the rabit dog and the mace at 3 am
* Dale's bargainning skills at the market (I have to just walk away.)
* our "nature walk" at 530 am
* our high-tech camera (We only have disposables at a nature reserve!)
* our airport meeting (Dale was shaking and Katy was light-headed!)
* looking like hobos with our wet jeans drying on the street
* at school the kids looking through the windows and singing
* our fresh, strong perspective about us...
WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT!!

Ahhhh...it's like falling in love all over again!

Day #226: Kameelputs, SA: Hands Down

This is the man for me...Hands Down! I'm scared, but feel safe in his midst. Like nothing else matters. The world could close in and it would all be irrelevant. He is "it". I adore Dale Alan Prather!!

Thank you, Jesus Christ, for bringing him to me in your time.

What a moment. He's making me a cheese omelette and I'm watching in awe. Sigh.

Please, God, let this be it. Let this be as right as it feels. You know I can't be disappointed again. I would never recover. Thank you for bringing what I never thought I could have. It's all because of you. I'm living strictly on faith!!

Day #219: Kameelputs, SA; Nowhere Slowly

I'm going nowhere slowly and I wouldn't want it any other way. I love this life! No matter where I am, I always want to love it, to breath out its bitterness and taste its sweetness.

I'm tired and unfocused again. What's the deal? I rebuke anything not of God. I must stay strong and of good faith. Heal me!

Day #218: Kameelputs, SA: Weakened

Hope Mom calls with a Dad update. I'm so freakin' hungry I can't stand it! I hate to be negative, but I am starving. I've got to stop lending out my money. People are worth it, right? They need to eat, too. I've been sleeping too much--no energy. I need to be healed. Hold my hand. Hold my weakened body.

Day #217: Kameelputs, SA: Aiming for Survival

Hello World! I am alive and well. Didn't emerge from my room until five. It was divine: a day finally to myself. Much needed.

Wonder how my dad is.

Dale will arrive in six days! We've made it so far. I have such faith. I just want to make it peacefully through this week. I'm just aiming for survival these days...nothing more for now.

Day #216: Kameelputs, SA: 100% to God

I'm tired. Thinking too much, no doubt. I am so blessed. No complaints here. I just hope Dad's okay, that Laura and Beah are sleeping with peace. I'm worried, but what good does it do? God has this one 100%. Just gotta make it to next Saturday. I need rest. Give me rest please. In your name, I dream tonight.

Day #215: Kameelputs, SA: Saved by God

My daddy was in an accident Wednesday night. He was hit by a drunk driver who went left of center and hit his motorcycle. Dad's left leg was hit the worst they've seen. Bones broke and tore flesh and skin. If he walks again, it will be with a limp.

He is frightened and there is nothing I can do about it. God spared him-Sam said he was yards away from a telephone pole. If any factors would have been different, he could have died. But God already knew that.

I wonder what good a dream is if it takes me so far away from the people I love. I'm asking God to answer this door. I cannot break down. I refuse. Only God rules my life. I will stay strong and my family-my father-will prevail. I trust in this. I know it's all His design-His plans in His time.

Daddy was saved!! Halleluiah!! Praise Jesus!! God is so good. Life is so sweet.

"So I say to you,
Ask, and it will be given to you;
Seek, and you will find;
Knock, and it will be opened to you." Luke 11:9

Nothing can stop me from praising you, Jesus. Nothing.

Day #214: Kameelputs, SA: A Day of Blessings

Last night I danced for Jesus, saying His name with each beat. I've had so many blessings come to me today-an awesome Spring Day performance, food from Poppie, tea and laughter from Annie, God's blessing from Annie's surrogate father, Coke from George and Tabiso, an invitation to meet the Peace Corps Director. Oh, an old gentleman sitting under a tree told Ann I'm a beautiful girl. The dancing and the blessings go hand-in-hand. The latter is a direct result of the first. God is so good! I will always praise His good works.

Once I was lost, but now I am found!!!

(Meanwhile, little did I know until the following day, that my father was in a motorcycle accident the same day of blessings for me!)

Day #213: Kameelputs, SA: Good to Go Without

What a nice day. If I had some food to eat and some of my own money, I'd be even better. This is one of those days I must take comfort in what I do have. It's good to go without. Puts things into perspective. I hope I never forget. And still people give. No repayment mentioned. No expectations. (God bless Johan's free ride!)

I can't truthfully say the remedial workshop was a complete success, but I did survive. As long as I gave them a different take. We'll see if there's any lasting impacts. I must not give up or in. I must fight the good fight.

I shouldn't be so fat if I can barely eat. Figure that one out.

Laura hasn't called today. I'm concerned,but I know God's got her.

Five hours later my water boils. Good God. What's a girl gotta do for a dinner of some noodles and rice? I dig this weather. No hotter, please. Dale in ten days. I'm so nervous. Help the mineworkers, Jesus. They need smart, fair negotiations for the work they put in. I know, I know, I'm random. Had a dream that Dale didn't want me to touch him anywhere. I was so hurt. Is this foreshadowing?

Day #212: Kameelputs, SA: Great. Grand. Wonderful

I'm sitting here thinking of what to bring and wear when I pick up Dale. Good Lord, who cares? I have more important things to concern myself with. I feel like I'm actually starting to be productive. Imagine that.

Laura is in Pretoria. I'm nervous, but have to let God handle this one. He alone knows what she needs. Noone else has a clue. I just want to be a vessel of strength, help her see "the big picture". Put the words in me. I need her to hear me speak goodness and peace into her life, into this journey. I need Jesus alone to guide me.

I have to pee, but who wants to travel out there at night? I'll wait as long as possible. I'm so hungry with nothing here to eat. I'm trying to think of something else, but it's difficult. Reminds me about these starving children.

Today's Radio Trivia: What animal can stay alive after it's head has been cut off and it starves from hunger? A COCKROACH. Great. Grand. Wonderful.

Day #211: Kameelputs, SA: Happy Spring Day!

HAPPY SPRING DAY! I am so very blessed! These people (some of them) have it so bad: sixty-year-olds with five plus kids to care for on one pensioner's pay. Wow. Aunt Betty should never bitch. I'll chew her out next time I hear it, I promise you.

I'm thinking I should write Laura and Ray. They're really going through trauma and drama. They need Jesus and I want to spread His word. I can't claim to be 100% capable, but God makes me worthy. I can shine His light. I know I can do it.

I shouldn't have eaten all those fatcakes. I feel so large. Ugh. I hope Dale isn't disgusted. My spirit is suddenly tired, but Jesus is close. I can feel Him now. I must stay strong and of good faith. I must push forward. Save the broken-hearted. Heal the weak in spirit.

Day #210: Kameelputs, SA: Close Calls

I started this journey following Jesus and I refuse to do anything else. There's just no other way. Above all else, I must remember this. It's my essence.

Crazy weekend filled with close calls and disquised blessings created only by God. He knows Traleathea and I are foolish, but still He remains by our side. We could have been raped and left for dead-no joke-but instead we were spared. No one is getting to this spirit.

I miss home, but I never wished to quit this fight. Not once have I seriously considered it. Jesus makes me strong, powerful, and brave. Mom is calling tonight and I am anxious for her voice. I wish that woman could be here. Oh, the fun we could have together. Ahhhhh.

Day #205: Kameelputs, SA: A Prayer for Strength

"Did I dream this belief? Or did I believe this dream? Now I will find relief. I grieve..."

Oh, how am I feeling? Who knows? I do recognize that I am a pretty strong so-and-so. Because of God, I quickly add. Everything is because of Him.

Laura is struggling. She is stronger than she lets on. She'll push through no matter the choice she makes. Nevertheless, I ask God tonight to keep Laura safe and protected, living with the conviction she was created with. That girl needs you, whether she fully acknowledges it or not. Watch over your daughter, please.

Day #203: Kameelputs, SA: Possibility of Survival

Get this: I'm eating sugar from a spoon. I am losing it.

I am skeptical about Dale and my possibility of survival. I think for now I'll keep my negative energy to myself while I soul-search a little more. Things will clear up, I know they will. Either way, I'll feel that rightness in my choice someday soon. I declare it now.

The day was fine. Nothing to write home about, but life is certainly sweet. I currently feel sluggish, and no doubt it's from this diet. I have to heal myself, through God.

Day #202: Kameelputs, SA: Strong and Steady

I feel huge. I need discipline, but I am often tired. I understand Laura's urge to just go home, but I am hopeful in her stay, that she will stay strong and steady, that she will know and hear clearly the voice of God.

Help me to remember, Jesus, to live a life at peace with my body, spirit, heart, and mind. I cannot be free without peace. I lean only to you for the salvation I require, for the healing I beg of, and the peace I request.

Tonight I pray for Carrie Jane Dulin, who truly lived her life as a beacon of your shining light. Take her graciously home.

Day #201: Kameelputs, SA: No Thanks to Politics

All is peaceful. The journey I so feared went marvelously. God walked beside me the entire time. No problems. No worries. Life is good.

Met the U.S. Senators. Big freakin' deal! I mean, there was good food and the other PCVs were fun, but I'm not much into politics with good reason. All those people acting so fake. Really, life is too short for that bullshit. As long as they reach out to the AIDS patients, orphans, helpless and hopeless victims, I don't care for the rest. I ask God to open their hearts to the good cause and for Mary to guard the wings of those children, those sweet baby angels.

Day #197: Kameelputs, SA: Nothing to Fear

So tomorrow I will travel on my lonesome journey to Pretoria. I'm slightly anxious. I'm not a worldly woman. I have nothing to fear. God is here with me always.

Dale called last night. He is so in love. I hope I do right by him, become the woman he imagines me to be. Time will tell the tale one day. Just hold on with faith and love and hope. Stay strong, as always. Fear nothing. I adore you, Father, whose face I rise to meet and sleep to dream.

Day #195: Kameelputs, SA: A Prayer for My Friends

All is well and peaceful in my world-a rarity, indeed. Juliette spoke on the phone. I miss that baby angel. Keep her strong and healthy, Jesus, as all your children should be. Let me come home to her sweet smile and recollection of me when the time is right.

Traleathea is sleeping deeply. I wish Jeffrey, her late brother, would let her live in peace and serenity. Her heart is burdened with the guilt of his handsome face. She'll always love you, Jeffrey, but you need to let her go. Her heart is too heavy and this woman needs to fly free. I pray for her tonight, and for all who have loved so well and lost so much.

Ray needs you, Jesus. I can hear his silenced, fearful prayers. Keep him brave, letting only faith in. Sorry for all the demands, but we're a team. Hold my hand. Walk with me, please. I will always need you. I will always work to follow your destined path for me. In your name, I pray.

Day #194: Kameelputs, SA: The Usual

Traleathea and I spent five hours too long on washing clothes. It was a son of a bitch-no joke. I hate my hot plate. Five thousand years later it heats the water for my bath. Geesh.

No other complaints. I'm in high spirits. I really do adore Traleathea's presence. Just makes things here more fun and sweet. I'm pleased that Ray wrote me. I'm worried about his health and safety, but worrying is fruitless, so I'll leave it in God's hands where it always belongs.

Day #191: Kameelputs, SA: Out of Sorts

I'm sick of drawing pictures! I resent how they all stare. It's starting to get old real fast. Breathe it out. What do I expect? I'm the white American. I'm so glad Athelia, my host principal, won't be in tomorrow. She was bearable today, but has such shady tendencies.

I miss Laura. Wish she were here, filling this empty space. I'm going in all sorts tonight. I'm losing my sanity...wait...did I ever have it?? Hope Dale Alan calls tonight. One month from today and he'll be here with me. Everything about me is excited. He can't get here soon enough. I have a feeling this is really gonna work. Hope God knows what's up. Sometimes I'm just nervous and fearful. If this isn't it, I can't afford to wait another nine years, or 24. My heart will shut forever-unacceptable.

Day #190: Kameelputs, SA: A Life this Amazing!

It was refreshing to vent to someone who understands my frustrations. Tiny is a great friend. Traleathea and I are making strides to "get in good" with the people here. I think we should work together more often.

It was awesome to hear Dale's sleepy talk this morning. What a blessing! I can't wait to kiss that man. Makes my heart race! Sigh...Okay, must stay with the program and keep a strong hold on the mission at hand. The rest will come in due time, in God's time. I am so proud of myself. Not everyone can create a life this amazing!

Day #189: Kameelputs, SA: Armpit Hair...Yikes!

I know the sun is going down out there, but it's too dusty and windy to sit outside.

The hair under my arms has reached frightening lengths. It's grossing me out. When Dale arrives, in one month may I add, I'll have to be better groomed. It's worth it. He's worth it. I'm hoping he calls, but when am I not?

Tiny, my teacher friend, isn't too pleased about my absence this weekend. She shouldn't have sent her son to call me. Oh well, she'll get over it. They always do.

It was so nice to hear Mom's voice last night. I miss that wild woman. I thank God for another magical day of blessings. I always know where you are.

Day #188: Kameelputs, SA: Through My Fingers

Happy Women's Day!
Full force ahead this week. I need to mentally prepare to be active and productive. I really am proud to be here. My heart is heavy tonight, but life is so very sweet. I believe in this mission. I'll be home before I know it. I need to push forward, embrace this moment. I'm letting it all slip so quickly. I must catch it and hold tight. I can never capture it again once it passes through my fingers.

Thank you, Jesus. You're the only reason I know I can do this. I can feel your promises pulse through me.