Day #283: Kameelputs, SA: Attack & Embrace

Another decent day, just so tired, though. What is my deal? I'm pushing through, as always. I'm planning my attack for next year. I say ruthless is the way to go, indeed. This is the year to make a difference. Major empowerment is needed here. Really, my time is passing quickly. I'll miss this place (these people!) when it's all said and done. I know how I work. I must embrace this all. Absorb it for resurface late in this fabulous life.

No roaches tonight, please. I never sleep well when I know they are lurking.

Thank you, Jesus, for these starry nights. BEE-YOU-TEE-FULL! You are so good to me. Help me to never forget. My life in your hands. I trust noone else with it.

Day #281: Kameelputs, SA: Out of Whack, As Always

I think it may be about to storm. I hope so. It's so hot and I don't want to visit that AIDS patient. Just too sleepy. Maybe I'll get my second wind. HA..Doubtful.

Three hours later...
No second wind or AIDS visitation. I just lucked out. Lights are dim tonight. Feels exotic. I wish Dale was here. I miss my baby. He's so good to me/for me. I must stop these mixed signals and contradictory statements. I'm all out of whack. Figure that one out-I'm always out of sorts, which was fine when I flew solo, but is hardly fair to Dale. Something else to work on. I'll add it to my list.

Okay, I must do some kind of workout. My current weight is unacceptable. How horrible!

I love you, Jesus. Help me to remember how you made me, so I must be worth something great. I must empower myself, seeing as how noone else will. Thank you for internal motivators. Help me keep it alive!

P.S. Team taught map skills to third graders with Annie today.

Day #279: Kameelputs, SA: Only Goats

I just woke from a three hour nap of home. It was disturbing and sad. I am recovering. It was my fault. I thought too hard of the past, inviting it into my dreams.

All I see is goats-no sign that humans exist today at all. It's eerie when the only people I see all day exist only in sad dreams. It is a peaceful moment, though, so I am grateful for the shadows the sun casts and the beauty in the way the sun descends.

Stace says I'm her best friend here and I am so blessed to have three friends love me so much. Makes me think I definitely came to the right place. I thank Jesus for so much goodness in one life. It almost doesn't seem fair that as one person I should be so blessed. You continue to intrigue and amaze me, Jesus. Continue to keep me safe and strong, always protected in your love.

P.S. I miss Grandma & Pappy Vence!....off to make Pilcards (fish)-UG!

Day #278: Kameelputs, SA: Future Plans

T and I spent all day eating and washing clothes. I'm real excited for Cape Town. Stace, T, and I have similar views on leisure vacation time, so I'm counting on good days just chillin' with my girls. Of course, I should expect drama, as it always transforms some way or another.

I've heard from Peace Corps four times in just a few days. Morgan knows I'm not too pleased about the current situation, but I highly doubt he cares much. What a peace-filled moment. I must soak it up now, as these days (and my moods) are so fickle and wavering.

I am meeting Ron (our country director) and surrounding volunteers for dinner Monday night. I'm only anxious for good food, though the company doesn't appeal to me much at all. I do have a package, so I am looking forward to more goodies. My friends are so amazing. I am so blessed for their presence in my life!

Day #276: Kameelputs, SA: Good Company, High Spirits

I'm disappointed about not getting any mail, but I still have faith in tomorrow. I'm sleepy with no real reason to be. T is here and I'm glad for good company and her smiling face. What a blessing she is to me!

What a crazy week it's been! I can't say I'm too disappointed about it's end. Could've ended days ago and I would have been pleased. Electricity is out for another day. I'm not terribly upset about it, but it is quite a nuisance. I miss my fan! Tomorrow is a day of washing and chill time. More wash than chill, but I'm not alone and there's so much to be said for that.

Okay, T is up for chatting and I never get company that understands me the first time around. Thank you, Jesus, for the angels you send. They are so appreciated!

P.S. I team-taught timelines with Joyce today!

Day #275: Kameelputs, SA: A Dramatic Moment

It has rained heavily for a majority of the day. I was pleased at first, as it matched my mood, but now I'm dissatisfied. It seems God cannot even make me happy these days. It's my sign to start making some major changes within myself. No time like the present. What the hell am I waiting for?

The sun shines briefly as a reminder that all is well and sweet and not to worry, we are all God's children. How easy it is to forget when we choose to do so. I need to listen more closely. I'm too easily distracted. I must keep on the straight and narrow path. I am not forsaken. I've just forgotten myself again. Who was I before I became me? Where have I gone to and why so far away?

Laura is not joining us in Cape Town. I am sad for her absence, but still intend to make the most of our holiday season.

"She sees shooting stars and comet tails. She's got Heaven in her eyes. She says, 'I don't need to be an angel, But I'm nothing if I'm not this high.' We only stay in orbit for one moment in time. You're everybody's satellite. I wish that you were mine." Counting Crows

My heart is confused-heavy one minute and light the next. I can never take life for granted again, yet what am I doing now? Wasted days on a string. Counting them down until I'm home. The traveler is rarely satisfied-always seeking even when it's found. Suppose I should speak only for myself. There's noone to blame or challenge. I made this path. Cut down the forest with my machete and passion, threatening the same fate to those who stood in my way of there to here-past to present...or was it past to future, or perhaps something different altogether? Difficult to say in these difficult times. I'm full of excuses this evening.

I want to sleep as angels with moonbeams on my eyebrow. Instead, for now, I'll settle for buzzing mosquitoes, lurking cockroaches, and the moonlight through the open window. (The light seems to avoid my face. I'm too hurt to ask why.)

Day #274: Kameelputs, SA: Simple Sweetness

Today was good-much improved from yesterday. I do have to spend all day with Joyce tomorrow, but one day at a time, right?

I went to bed last night with my last words to Dale and woke with my first words to Dale. That's how I want it all our lives. It was simple and sweet.

Stace loved the box of goodies. It was so worth it to see her smiling face. What a great weekend! It all comes back ten-fold. I got a cool bookshelf from my sweet ma. Life is so good-thank you Jesus. I am so blessed! I am grateful for the light after the darkness. Such simple sweetness exists here on Earth.

Day #273: Kameelputs, SA: Who I Am or Who I Was

I've had a horrible day! It really wasn't so bad, but my worst in quite some time. This job really sucks sometimes. I really had to convince myself not to walk away. Peace Corps sucks. Thanks for the freaking support! Couldn't do it without you. Oh wait...what a joke!

Dale is calling tonight. What a relief. I really need to calm this storm to a manageable level before he has to. I've been so self-absorbed lately, I'm embarrassed. He's a darling. I'm sure he'll forgive my selfish ways. Just wish I was who I am or am who I was. Either way, I'm definitely not myself. I just need Jesus.

I'm going to dream of Dale wildly. This day has been too long and my body is too tired, my spirit too weakened. I ask God to replenish me as I dream sweetly, to keep me safe from roaches and harm. (No electricity tonight.)

Let it happen, Let it go. Breathe it in, Breathe it out.

Day #272: On the way to Kameelputs, SA: Phone Calls

I'm sitting here dreading that ride home. Won't be so bad, I'm sure. Dale and Mom called last night. What a treat, what bad timing. Just with Stace's birthday and all. It's always nice to hear their voices. What amazing people. Wish I could say the same for my asshole brothers. Okay, I'll get back to this later. One quick thing: Crazy dream about Dale. Very disturbing.

Day #272: Stace's Village, SA: Happy Birthday, Stacy!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STACE!

It is so freakin' hot. Makes it hard to even breathe. Unbearable. Stace is 26 today and I'm pleased to be here. No other person I'd rather be with, but the place could be cooler. This poor pup is panting his lil' heart out. I feel him. Poor baby.

Athelia's text message still worries me. Assertive training #1:When power trip supervisor with no real integrity suggests I am slacking off, calmly point out timetable, my dedication, and her lack of. What a pain in my ass.

Thank you, Jesus, for this awesome weekend. How blessed I am! My praises to you for this moment, hour, day, weekend, month, year, LIFE! I am forever a woman of God, a believer in all goodness that is to come.

Day #267: Kameelputs, SA: Random Award

"Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by what you did not do than by what you did. SO throw off the bowlines. Sail from safe harbor. DISCOVER. EXPLORE. DREAM."

Hi. Good day, I'd say. Relatively productive, but who cares about that? I heard Tiny bitch all day. Good Lord, end it! Or do something about it, is my advice. (I think Tiny wrote that student book herself. How completely frustrating. Let them think, damn you!!)

Ray wrote to me. What a sweet man he is! I feel so blessed that he's in my life. My thoughts are all over the place today. I moved my room around. I've been a little freaked since my scorpion discovery in my bed. God is protecting me. No sweat, right? Right?

I took a nap in the nude this afternoon, speaking of sweat. Been thinking of my wedding day. I'm already stressed. I'm so blessed to have so many women to choose from for my bridal party. Oh, the things a woman in love thinks about. It's just ludacris.

Laura is in deep shit with Peace Corps. Hope this all pans out. I have faith that she belongs here for now. Off to T's Thursday. I'm excited for my weekend at Stace's, but kind of nervous about my tswana interactions. It's be fine. After all, I'll be with my girl. The rest is details.

AIDS workshop tomorrow and Thursday. I'm excited. For one, I'll have less sitting time at Tshabelang Primary. I hope Poppie allows me to be a silent participant.

Thank you, Jesus, for another peace-filled day. You are everything! Protect me.

I dreamt of Sue. I miss that girl...I miss everyone!