Day #185: Kameelputs, SA: The Travel Idiot Soon to Surface

Thank you for the simple joys. Not a real productive day, but I have survived and there's something to be said for that, right? Work with me here.

I'd rather veto church tomorrow, but I'm trying to maintain open-mindedness. Hope it's bearable. Time will tell.

I'm nervous about traveling to Pretoria, where our PC office is, next week. I'm just a travel idiot. Although would it be the worst thing in the world to travel without the girls? Answer: No. No listening to Nykamp's ramble. No baby-sitting Traleathea. We'll see how it all pans out. You know I love 'em, but they're so much maintenance. Puts new meaning to the word "vacation".

I helped Kedibone with her biology homework and gave a random man advice on starting a resort. Images of married life danced through my head all day...what have I become? I need peace and focus.

Day #184: Kameelputs, SA: Emerging from Depression

Sigh. I feel good. It's a pleasant change. I'm looking forward to my weekend with Traleathea (PCV) and Tiny (teacher). I'm in such high spirits, it's just plain weird. I saw the sun set. Beautiful. I really should get out there more often. There's no excuse.

I love Dale Alan Prather. I'm gonna let myself fall in love. I've decided. There's no sense fighting it. I'm gonna let it be.

Random thought: I wish I was watching Seinfield right now. I feel like laughing out loud. I love my life!!!

Day #183: Kameelputs, SA: The Gameplan

I really need to get on track. This is really getting depressing. Quite embarrassing, if I don't play it up right. Good Lord, help me! This is really not in my character or showing my intergrity to wallow in my own depression for so long. Well, no sense in feeling bad about my lack of action. Just gotta get back up now. Clean. Prepare for tomorrow. Get over myself. That's the gameplan. I know I'm up to it.

Day #182: Kameelputs, SA: My Testimony

I had a dream about my pappy's funeral. Mom told me that I'm the strongest person she knows. She tells people that it's my fault that pulls me through. See, Jesus, testimony of faith. Keep using me. I'm strong because of you.

Day #177: Kameelputs, SA: Help Me Heal

I feel completely shitty. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just need Jesus to help me heal. Everything aches-my back, throat, head, heart, spirit. Only Jesus can make me well again. I praise Him for making me always strong and beautiful. Ahh...what dreamless sleep last night...let it come again now....

Day #176: Kameelputs, SA: Heavy and Sleepy

The electricity is out again and the candle is getting low. My heart is heavy and sleepy, so I must be quick. God help me to be healthy and strong, happy and fit. It's important that this weekend is enjoyable. I need and deserve it to be

I had a dream about that featured eight family members and friends. How very crazy...well, I did sleep 12 hours last night. Ah, sleep is my biggest coping method these days. I must push through!

Day #175: Kameelputs, SA: Hunger

I thank Jesus for this day-so many blessings-but I am tired of being tired and so far away from everyone I love. I hope this weekend brings some needed relief. We shall see. Nothing else to report. I'm hungry. My body, my heart, and my spirit all want something good. I must push bravely through 21 more months.

Day #173: Kameelputs, SA: Down the Aisle

I am sad in this moment. My friend and old roommate, Jackie, will be walking down that aisle towards Steven in 35 minutes. Megan, my other friend and roommate, will come before her, dressed beautifully in that gown. I wish so much to be there. Sigh. This too shall pass, eh?

Another long day in Kameelputs. I've done nothing and I don't mind it. There was nothing that needed attention. I have no complaints. Just another day. I thank God for it, nonetheless. I know I am blessed to be here. I knew the price I'd have to pay. Thank you, Lord, for making these sacrifices worth it.

Day #172: Kameelputs, SA: Tasted Like Beef

I'm sincerely gonna beat these kids-no joke. They should've left one hour ago. Arg. Hold on. I'll write after I get rid of two darling baby boys....

Fast forward two hours...
I just ate the goat that I witnesses being slaughtered two days ago. Tasted like beef. Am I getting tough skin or what?!

I feel much better now that I'm alone. Thank you, Jesus, for solitude. I never realized how much of it I require until now. My thoughts are moving too fast to keep up. I think I'll read.

Day #171: Kameelputs, SA: Nightmares Strike Again

I just woke from a terrible dream/nightmare. It was dark in my room and I grew fearful. I recall waking a few times throughout it, looking to redirect in a positive way. No such luck and, as I sit here, still a bit shaken up, I wonder if there was a message somewhere in my struggle for survival. It was just so real-so frighteningly real.

Otherwise, the day was fine. I am just sleepy from my late night talking with Dale and long walk home against the wind. I've laughed and loved, ate heartily and slept a lot. A good day, indeed.

Day #170: Kameelputs, SA: Jumping the Gun

I may be jumping the gun, sorta speak, but this day has been a decent one. Well, if you take away the goat slaughtering that took place on the cement slab this morning. God help me, this is not in my job description!

Speaking of my job, I really like the teachers of Etebare Primary. Very cool chicks. They may even have a clue on how to teach. Again, possibly jumping the gun. I planned a slumber party with Tiny, my teacher friend, in a few weeks. I'm really looking forward to it. I like that lady, just hope I can help her students.

My concerns: Getting teachers motivated when I struggle myself, helping the people who need and ask for it. God is my life and my death. He will shelter me. He knows what I need.

Day #169: Kameelputs, SA: Gripes & Hoorahs

My gripes:
* A teacher left me for two hours in hell (no exaggeration) while she attended a meeting and I watched her class. Nothing like Satan's demons running around speaking Tswana.
* The principal of Mammutla Primary asked for "sponsership" from America. Like giving two years of my life isn't enough? Good God!
* I'm tired and annoyed of these crappy people!

My hoorahs:
* Kedibone delivered fatcakes to me. They were awesome.
* My friend, Sarah, called with apartment drama.
* LuckyBoy, the neighbor boy and my friend, visited. What a good person!
* The kids entertained me. We took photos galore.

Okay, so this job definitely has its downfalls, but look at all these perks! Isn't this all about the kids, anyways? Heck yeah! Thank you, Jesus, for pulling me through just when I was about to surrender to the day. Close call. Think of what I would have missed!

Day #168: Kameelputs, SA: Long Walk Home

Although quite unproductive, I did survive well. I slowed down and wrote to Mae and read. Nothing to write home about, but nonetheless good Kate things. The best part of my day, I may add, was that long walk home. What a nice, long chat with God. Such a relief. I am so blessed to have such revelations. My world has been turned upside down and around, but through it all I am still this mighty child of God. God is it-my beginning and end-author and finisher of my faith.

P.S. Is it my imagination or do my hands smell of goats?!? Yikes.

Day #167: Kameelputs, SA: Kindred Spirit

I've been a busy little bee today, even though it started a bit late. I played with Kamogelo and Mapaseka and painted their nails, shared my food with the neighbor kids, and even helped Kedibone with her schoolwork. I think the children can feel my kindred spirit. Is that possible? I feel good. What a pleasant weekend, though with a shaky start.

I need to keep this positive attitude in check. I need to push through. I'm here, aren't I? This is what I asked for and, as promised, I received. Praise Jesus...one day at a time.

Day #166: Kameelputs, SA: "Home"

Yesterday was a waste of a day, but I feel better today. Doesn't God just work like that? I love it!

I really wish I was with my girls-Traleathea and Laura in Pretoria or Stace drinking in her village-but this is a good alternative. I'm HOME, where I should be in this moment. There's something to be said for that, I think.

One year and nine months to go! Another one bit the dust, PCV that is..Portia cashed in her chips and headed home today. I'm so jealous. Give me strength and peace, Jesus. Help me to know myself well.

Day #164: Kameelputs, SA: Life As It Should Be

Do you suppose they mean it on the salsa jar when they say "refridgerate and eat in three days"? I'm throwing caution to the wind--call me a risk-taker.

I think Mom is serious about an upcoming Outer Banks vacation. I'm already looking forward to it. Is that a bad sign? I'm trying hard to take it all one day at a time. I'm thinking of taking off a month early to travel. Plenty of time to think about it. I'm just all out of sorts tonight. Thinking a mile a minute. Wow...what a "mom" expression. I miss her like crazy.

Listening to Billie Holiday, eating granola from the bag, and drinking hot blueberry tea. Life is as it should be. Ahhhhh....

Day #163: Kameelputs, SA: Screwed Up System

I can't wait to teach in America. Tshabelang Primary School, my host school, is pulling me down. Athelia, the principal, actually sends kids home if they are late to school. That's crap. What a screwed up system. I hope I'm able to bring some sanity to it. We shall see. I don't know how I remain optimistic.

I still don't know about Dale and me. Katrina is right. When you know, you just know. Period. End of sentence. Sigh, I think I'm gonna have to eventually let him go.

Day #162: Kameelputs, SA: Nightmares Strike

I need to concentrate on Jesus tonight and very little else. Today was not uplifting or refreshing. It was suffocating. I slept for three and a half hours after school, giving way to rape nightmares. "The sum of her body and all her parts cannot fight. It is wonderful." Satan is trying to push his way through. I know I sound ludacris, but I can feel his darkness. He's trying to attack my dreams. I need God to answer this door, to wedge His body between mine and Satan's, to get me through this dark hour so that I may live with peace and grace.

Day #161: Kameelputs, SA: All I Can Do is Hang On

Thank you, Jesus, for my survival. This is the first night slept alone in a room for over three weeks. My heart hurts. I need to clean this dusty room, talk to Dale Alan, and dream sweet. Wish I could save people. Wish I knew the answers. Wish I knew what to do when. I've been pulled in so many directions for nearly a month straight!

"I remember thinking..
Sometimes we walk..
Sometimes we run away." -Dave Matthews Band

To quickly sum up the month away from here, my grandfather died after a long fight against cancer, my dad and Dale had birthdays (a day apart), and my best friend from college, Katrina, got married. I am missing everything! Traleathea had a breakdown in Durban, where we vacationed, and I feel like I'm barely hanging on.

Day #134: Kameelputs, SA: A Friend in Need

How does God plan this all out? It seems wreckless and rude. I know there's meaning and purpose in everything. Have I hurt Traleathea? Have I been a selfish friend? Tomorrow I'm getting my big ole butt over there to see that crazy girl in Vryburg Hospital. I'm not going to let her slip. I'm going to keep her upright. God will help me. I just know we have the same agenda. I have faith in our teamwork. I need Him to guide my journey tomorrow, to help me to arrive safely, and to know the right things to say.